It’s back to work tomorrow. 

It’s back to work tomorrow.

I am terrified.

I just want to disappear.

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1, 2, 3, It’s not about me…

I’ve started listening to AA talks online. I thought maybe if I could understand alcoholism, maybe I could gain some compassion. Maybe I could hang on to hope. What I am experiencing though is a loss of hope. The more stories I listen to, the more I believe that there is no hope. V isn’t working a program. He feigns a program. I’ve gotten really good at knowing when he’s drunk. I don’t ask anymore. I am trying to practice my own program to the best of my ability right now. I hardly speak at home. It’s all I can do to avoid asking if he drank, did he go to a meeting, did he call his sponsor. I also know that asking will only start a fight and I can’t believe a word he says anymore anyway.

I’m so incredibly lonely in my own home. I feel like I live with a stranger. Thank god I don’t live with violence. Although, truthfully, I think if I continued to badger him with questions, that’s what it would come to.

I keep reminding myself, he didn’t ask for your opinion or your help, just shut up.

I keep practicing steps 1, 2, 3, and 11. I can’t, He can, I think I’ll let him. I started a mantra 1, 2, 3, it’s not about me to remind myself that his actions have nothing to do with me. It’s hard not to take things personally.

I think about hurting myself a lot. More than any one knows. I think about suicide and leaving him a letter saying how it’s his fault. If only he would have gotten sober…

And they say the alcoholics are the sick ones…

What an ugly disease indeed…

I’m slowly learning to separate you from I. We are not one being. I used to think you were a reflection of me. After all, I chose you as a partner. So wouldn’t it be the case that your actions are a reflection of my choice? 

The simple answer is no. 

You have a right to act however you so choose, as foolishly or as gentlemanly as you like. 

Sure, there will be people who shake their heads and whisper, but that is a reflection of their shallowness. A shallowness I am learning to let go of. 

Your drinking is a reflection of you, not me. I am learning to let you go. Not that I ever truly had you to begin with. I am learning how to focus on my own life, to put me first.

I deserve to be treated well, and that has to come from me first. 

One day at a time, I am actively, painfully, gritting-my-teeth-through choosing not to participate in the craziness.

It’s been a lesson three years in the making.

And al-anon has been there all along.

Dear God,

Where are you… I can’t find you. I feel so alone here. I feel so angry. I feel like my life is spinning out of control and I am sick. I have knots upon knots of wondering what the day will bring. I thought you were supposed to be here. I thought you were supposed to make things okay. Nothing feels okay. What I want to be okay, isn’t. I can’t fix it. I am so tired of being hurt.

Why won’t you fix it? Why can’t I have a relationship full of trust. I feel so alone.