That night, he sounded so down, I went to his place with a little pink teddy bear. I told him I was just there as a friend. He said he wasn’t sober. I guessed that was going to be the case. At any rate, we have reconciled, but as friends. We basically have a friends-with-benefits situation going on right now. I did not sleep with him that night, but a couple of weeks later, he was over, and things “happened.”
He said he does not want to date other people. Neither do I. However, we can’t be in a relationship together. There is too much pressure there. Too many expectations. Too much heart break. He told me a few weeks ago that he had this big ordeal planned for my birthday. A trip to California for a fancy show.
In the past, he has told he these grandiose ideas and then I later find out they were lies. I asked him if this was just another story, and it would be okay if it was because it doesn’t matter now. We are just friends. He doesn’t owe me anything. He told me it was true and and he is so excited. First, the date changed because the tickets he had were given to someone else. Then yesterday he tells me, he can’t get the time off, so the whole thing is off. I didn’t expect anything. I didn’t think it was real from the beginning, but this feel like another lie that he can’t own up to.
Maybe he is telling the truth. I have no idea. That is the greatest flaw in our relationship, he lost my trust long ago with all of his lies. Even as friends, it hurts. The lie is whatever, but not owning it, that is what kills me. I realize that the problem is with his ego, not me, but it hurts nonetheless.
I have been feeling really down lately. I got reamed by a parent, I have issues at my job where I feel like a total failure, and my “friend” doesn’t feel much like a friend. I always go pick him up to hang out, out of courtesy, but it would be nice if he would make an effort to come to me. Get an uber, take a bus, something.
I am overly emotional and probably just blowing everything out of proportion. I really just need a friend, and I don’t feel like I can rely on him without it turning into an argument of me “smothering” him and he pulls away. So, I am pulling away. I am leaving him alone unless he contacts me.
Our time together and conversations go just as well. It’s just the in-between. The times when I am at my lowest, I feel like I can’t count on him because he is busy with his own life.
My heart is breaking today.
A Speck in the Universe 