Giving It Up

At one time I said, I wish V was back in my life because I thought it would be easier to deal with an active alcoholic than to be without him. Talk about insanity. Now that V is back, the anxiety hasn’t lifted at all, it fact, at times it is worse!

When he doesn’t respond to a message in what I believe is an appropriate time, each time we have a planned date, or simply being around him trying to decipher if he had drank that day, I go into panic mode.

There is still a part of me that believes that I can control alcoholism. There is a bigger part of me that simply doesn’t want to be hurt again. Yet, all I am doing is hurting myself by constantly worrying about his addiction. If he is going to drink, he is going to do it regardless of my action or inaction.

Although I keep telling myself this, it is hard to not live in fear. After an emotional talk with my sponsor, she suggested that I ask my higher power for help letting go of control.

What a terrifying thought, letting go. Some how I got it in my head that I am responsible for the world. Deep inside this psyche, I really do not trust in the Universe. Life feels chaotic and full of bad things that could happen if I don’t tread carefully. I think I am going to be on Step 3 for a while.

Unnatural

Some nights I lay in bed and listen to the sound of my own heart beat. A loud, ominous thumping inside my chest. The hard contractions reverberate through my whole body. It scares me. As if my heart could stop at any moment.

I feel like I am losing my grip on reality. Many times I have questioned if I am really awake. I question if V was real. He disappeared from my life as quickly as he came into it. Maybe he was a figment of my imagination. Perhaps I’ve dreamed this whole life and every one in it.

V lied to me a lot. I learned that I couldn’t trust him. I also learned that I couldn’t trust myself. Premonitions would lead me on wild goose hunts, searching for the truth. He was an expert liar. So going against my own judgements, I would believe him, only to find out later that I was right all along.

That gnawing feeling that something isn’t right never really goes away. My head feels like it’s in a fog all the time, and all I can hear is the sound of my own heart beat. That unnatural pounding coming from inside of me.

What kind of quiet hell is this? Trapped in your own mind, suffocating.

Have I always been this crazy or did V trigger some kind of psychosis in me that I am now unable to escape?

I am my own worst enemy.

Surrender to…?

Sometimes I wish I could see the future. I wish I knew if V was going to get better. If we are ever going to have a real chance. I haven’t heard from him since Saturday and I wonder if I ever will again. Sometimes I get anxiety so badly that I cannot function. It feels like I am dying.

I am trying to figure out how to surrender. In order to surrender however, I need to figure out what I am surrendering to. That is a tall order.

Although I’ve been going to a New Thought church for over a year, I don’t understand what God represents. I picked up a bible last week and started thumbing through it. I also started listening to a Christian codependency workshop. All I can say is that I am more confused than ever.

If I wanted to make a certain food, but knew nothing about it, I would do an internet search. The problem is, fifty different variations of the recipe come up. Which one do I choose? Which is the right one?

As so it is with forming a belief system. At least for me. The more I learn, the more things contradict, and the more anxious and lost I feel. How can I trust in something that I don’t understand? What if I pick the wrong belief system? What if God really doesn’t care and spirituality is pointless? What if this life really is up to me and I just gave up on the person that I love? What if V never gets better…

I wish I could just go up in the mountains and study with a spiritual teacher for a year. I’ve seen what spirituality can do for other people. I want that kind of peace. I simply can’t take any more heartbreak.

God Is Bigger Than The IRS

This morning I woke up anxious about going to church. Although V hasn’t come in weeks, I had this fear of running into him. When I saw that he wasn’t there, I felt better and went about my business, setting things up as I do before service.

God had other plans however. The band approached me and said that they had gotten an email from V earlier this morning. The email said that he was quitting the band and that he felt like people were watching him. Concerned, they approached me and told me about the email.

I told them that V and I haven’t really been speaking for a few weeks but I would check on him. I finished setting up and told one of the leaders that I had to leave. I apologized for abandoning everything, but something had come up, and off I went.

V didn’t want to let me in but I can be just as stubborn and after some back and forth texting, he finally opened the door. There was a lot of hugging, some tears, and an almost blow up argument. I can say that I’ve been around the program long enough that I am starting to recognize it working in my life. The almost argument was due to a misunderstanding and I nearly got sucked in to his defensiveness, but I stopped and took a breath. I stayed calm and reexplained what I was saying. He apologized and we were able to move forward. In the past, I likely would have got sucked right into that big black hole with him.

V is sick. He still feels manic and he believes his new meds are making him worse. His isolating kills me and I told him that I am not the enemy. He said he knows that in his heart, but his head twists things around. I can only imagine what that must be like.

Actually, I imagine it is something similar to how I feel when he isn’t speaking to me and my mind goes wild with possibilities. He said he has an appointment with the doctor on Thursday.

While I was there, I told V that everyone was worried about him and how the band approached me. He apologized that I was dragged into his mess. I told him I think God sent me here today. I had no intention of seeing him or talking to him, but God had other plans for me.

After I left his place, I went back to church to catch the second service, since I missed the first. The speaker’s talk was about how God is everywhere. She told a personal story about a past struggle in her life. She was being audited and she was very stressed out about it. She spoke with a spiritual leader that she was close to and this leader told her, God is bigger than the IRS. She went on to say that no matter the problem, God is bigger than whatever it is. I never needed to hear anything more in my life. God is bigger than alcoholism. God is bigger than bipolar disorder. God is bigger than me and him and anything that may come between us. God’s got this.

After service, I went to apologize for abandoning the greeting table. I found out that another member thought it was their day to cover and had shown up minutes after I left. To their surprise, everything was already set up for them. Now, if that isn’t God working in my life, I don’t know what is.

I am supposed to go back and see V at 3 today. I hope that nothing changes between now and then, but speaking from experience, I know it is a very real possibility. Nonetheless, God is bigger than the IRS. As long as I keep that close to my heart, I know I will be okay.

Troubled Water

V didn’t show up to church which is extremely unlike him. He plays in the band and if he is going to be out, he lets them know. Today he just didn’t show up and I had the band asking me where he was.

He finally responded to messages and said that he was safe but elevated from the BP. One of the band members let me know that V had messaged. During our conversation, he asked me if V had a drinking problem. A peculiar question since V had told me the other day that he told the band that he was a recovering alcoholic. Apparently, V did not. This band member then told me that he was concerned about V because he smelled like he had been drinking and he was not acting like himself. I had the same suspicion and I asked V about it that night. His pupils were dilated, he smelled like alcohol, and he was acting strange. He denied it and became defensive.

To now hear that a third party, who had no idea that V has a drinking problem, also had the same concern, my suspicions feel confirmed. V told me over and over that he has been sober for three weeks. I wanted to believe him. I so desperately wanted to believe him, but there were off-behaviors that told me otherwise. Now this.

V said he went for a hike to clear his head. He may be drinking. I don’t know. I want to confront him about Christmas Eve again but what would it accomplish. He will either tell me that he did drink and that he has been lying to me this whole time, or he will deny it again. If he denies it, I have no physical proof to refute his story. I also have no repercussions. I am not ready to walk away. I know that without alcohol, he is an amazing person; I am holding out for that. What am I supposed to do with the lying, deceitful person he is now?

I don’t know how I am supposed to feel. I get so much anxiety that I feel like I can’t breathe. I want to be angry but then I feel guilty. I want to be compassionate, but I feel angry.

V and I had a nice weekend for the most part. I was happy, but I was also fooling myself. I wanted to believe that everything was okay. There were little things that came up and kept gnawing at me. I would tell him and he would get frustrated. The insanity of it is his actions have led me to be distrustful of him. He has lied to me so many times and innocent or not, he has become defensive. He gets defensive because he feels like he shouldn’t have to explain himself when he hasn’t done anything wrong. He becomes defensive when he is trying to cover up his actions. I feel like I can never win.

I don’t know how to go about life and pretend like he doesn’t have a drinking problem. I don’t know how to not let it affect me. I feel frozen in a field of landmines.

Oh Anxiety, Oh Anxiety

How much I do despise thee…

There are days that I wish I people came equipped with a lie detector. My relationship has endured more than it’s share of lies and it has taken a toll on my sanity. I came into the relationship with trust issues, however, dating an alcoholic severely exacerbated my fears.

To the best of my knowledge, V has achieved a little over two weeks of sobriety. However, my knowledge is not always congruent with the truth. What he tells me and what the truth is have often been at odds in the past.

Nevertheless, I have to make a choice to either trust his word or forgo the relationship because I cannot maintain healthy boundaries without trust. Accomplishing this feat while struggling with anxiety feels like a near impossibility.

As a public education educator, I am currently off for winter break. Although I initially rejoiced for the break, I forgot how quickly my mood turns sour when I am not occupied. As the al-anon programs suggests, I need to get my own life.

For the last week, I have been at home binge-watching Netflix and trying to keep my mind off of what “he” is doing. Is he drinking? Is he going to meetings? Why isn’t he talking to me?

These thoughts are severely compounded by my feminine biology. Along with the common physical symptoms associated with my monthly cycle, my emotional state becomes highly imbalanced. I range from depressed and anxious to extremely angry.

In fact, as a former cutter, I am most dangerous to myself around my cycle. Although I have never been formally diagnosed, I suspect I am on the spectrum for PMDD.

Currently, my anxiety feels unmanageable. My relationship with V continues to be undefined. We are separated but having relations. We have agreed that we are in a monogamous relationship, but saying boyfriend/girlfriend feels too constricting for him.

I, on the other hand, feel insecure about our relationship not being categorized. Our immediate families now know that we are separated but mutual friends believe we are still together. We act like we are together in public but our picture perfect relationship is just that, an image.

V seems to be much more involved in AA than he ever has been before. This gives me hope that his sobriety will last this time. However, along with his commitment to AA, comes a distance from me.

Now, please don’t misunderstand. I LOVE that he is more involved with AA. In fact, I try to encourage it whenever I can. What bothers me is that we barely speak during the week. When he is distant, he seems more secretive. In the past, this has been an indicator that he was drinking again.

His distance may also be his way of establishing his independence. There are just so many unknowns. When he doesn’t reply to my messages, my anxiety flares as if my house were on fire.

I suppose the truth is that if he is talking to me, it tells me that he is okay and reassures that he is not drinking. I may be fooling myself with this, but anxiety isn’t exactly a rational feeling. The bottom line is that when I keep myself busy, I don’t have time to worry about what he is doing.

I don’t know what today will bring. We are supposed to meet up this evening and spend the next couple of days together. I pray that he has maintained his sobriety and no negative revelations come to light. Here is to hope.

Happy holidays everyone.

Pebbles on a Bridge

In relationships, lies are like pebbles on a bridge. The kind of bridge you see in the movies, the rickety wooden ones that are held together with aging rope. The bridge is the relationship, and for every lie told, you throw a pebble on the bridge, straining it. Some lies are like rocks, their weight sways the bridge and weigh heavy on its panels. Over time, those pebbles and rocks accumulate and eventually, that bridge is going to snap under the weight.

Yesterday was another pebble on the pile of our relationship. My boyfriend pawned another item. I found the receipt in the car. I was hurt, angry, and barely able to control my emotions. I have this mix of compassion and distain for that behavior. While his logic ALMOST makes sense, it does more harm that good. It is a back door way to avoid talking to me about financial challenges. Pride can be an ugly thing.

During our argument, which was really me reaming him about lying to me again. I thought about how it really doesn’t matter. It doesn’t directly affect me. He pawned a gift he bought me. A gift I didn’t know about. If it wasn’t for that fateful moment of me finding the receipt, I would have been none the wiser. The more I think about it, the worse I feel. Did I overreact or was my reaction justified? His intentions were sort of pure. He overextended himself financially because of purchasing Christmas for me. To remedy this, he pawned one of the items until he could get paid. The sentiment is there. It’s not really about the pawn. It’s about the lack of trust, the lack of communication, the deceit. That’s what the pawn represents. No healthy relationship can grow with such issues. Still, I feel really guilty for getting so upset and I worry that apologizing will lessen the serious and severity of his decision. I need to apologize though. Not only for him, but for my own conscience.

Yesterday he promised me never again. I want to believe him, but I have heard that before. To remove all those pebbles from our bridge, he has to prove that he is invested in getting better. For every day that he shows that he is honest and sober, a small pebble is removed. Now he has built a pretty big pile, but over time the pile will clear, and we can get to a place were we can rebuilt our bridge to be stronger. My heart wants that day to come. My head treads cautiously.

Our one year anniversary is in 18 days. I hope it marks not only a new year in time, but also a new beginning for us. I decided on a gift but if I can save up the money, there is another gift I would like to give him. It may come as a late gift, depending on some upcoming professional opportunities. More to come on that later. For now, as the saying goes, one day at a time.

One Day at a Time

Mondays and Tuesdays are especially hard because my boyfriend works late. Those days have been a trigger for him to drink in the past and every week I practically hold my breath hoping that he stays on track.

Last night, I had no reason to believe that he had slipped but my fears got the best of me and I was left struggling to maintain some semblance of sanity. It is kind of like seeing a car accident on the evening news where you think you recognize a car. You call the person to make sure it wasn’t them but get forwarded to voicemail. They haven’t come home and no one else has heard from them since they left work. You try to rationalize yourself out the building crescendo of panic. Then, just as you are about to start calling hospitals, they walk in the door, completely unaware of the hell you have put yourself through. They had stopped at the store on the way home and when they came out saw that their tire was flat. Their cell had died so they couldn’t call, but everything was fine, oh and they brought home almond milk. It was just a perfect storm but you couldn’t know everything was fine, until the proof was staring you in the face.

That is what it feels like for me nearly everyday. I can’t know he is okay until I see him in person, but even then, I still don’t know for sure. Take same car accident analogy and substitute it for cheating suspicions. Even after your partner comes home, you can’t be sure of where they have been. Is that perfume or cologne you smell? What is that stain on his shirt? Is it his lunch or a woman’s lipstick? When my boyfriend comes home, I eye every inch of him looking for clues. Are his eyes bloodshot? Is that alcohol on his breath or just a funk from lunch. Why does he have mint gum? Is he trying to cover the smell? Despite his denials of any wrong doing, how can I possibly know he is telling the truth? After all, I have heard him claim his innocence before, only to find out that it was all lies.

It is not only excruciating for me, but for him as well. His past choices have put him in a position that even if he tells the truth, I cannot trust him. Imagine how it must feel to try to make amends but have your past continue to haunt you. To be questioned every day about your integrity. I feel terrible about my need to analyze his every move, yet it feels like the only way I can be sure. The reality however is that I can never be 100% sure and if I want our relationship to grow, I have to accept that I have no control over his actions. All I can do to take care of me and trust that he will do the right thing.

Trust. There is that word again. My heart wants to trust him. My brain on the other hand reminds me that he has not earned my trust yet. My amygdala, the part of the brain that is responsible for the fight or flight reaction, is hyper-reactive to stress. I called it Amy for short. Basically, Amy needs to take a chill pill. While I do have chill pills, also known as benzodiazepines (klonopin to be exact), I choose not to use them because I need to learn to manage my emotions in a healthy way, not drown them with medication. (I want to note that there is nothing wrong with taking medication for anxiety or any other mental health matter. There was a time when I took medication every day in order to function but am now at a place in my life where it is not a necessity.)

Amy likes to play the “what if” game, and last night she had me spiraling down into a complete meltdown. I curled up on the couch and started to pray. I have not prayed in a very long time. I am not a religious person, but I do believe in a power greater than us. At that moment, I did not know what else to do to calm myself down, so I prayed. I asked for the strength to face whatever happens, and to help free me from the fear that binds me so that I can learn to trust again. After about fifteen minutes of emotional pleas, I started to feel better. My chest stopped hurting and my thoughts cleared. I was no longer on red alert.

Shortly after, my boyfriend came home from work, sober. He had a good day, no thoughts of alcohol, no struggles, just a solid, sober day. What’s even better, is that I believed him.