How much I do despise thee…
There are days that I wish I people came equipped with a lie detector. My relationship has endured more than it’s share of lies and it has taken a toll on my sanity. I came into the relationship with trust issues, however, dating an alcoholic severely exacerbated my fears.
To the best of my knowledge, V has achieved a little over two weeks of sobriety. However, my knowledge is not always congruent with the truth. What he tells me and what the truth is have often been at odds in the past.
Nevertheless, I have to make a choice to either trust his word or forgo the relationship because I cannot maintain healthy boundaries without trust. Accomplishing this feat while struggling with anxiety feels like a near impossibility.
As a public education educator, I am currently off for winter break. Although I initially rejoiced for the break, I forgot how quickly my mood turns sour when I am not occupied. As the al-anon programs suggests, I need to get my own life.
For the last week, I have been at home binge-watching Netflix and trying to keep my mind off of what “he” is doing. Is he drinking? Is he going to meetings? Why isn’t he talking to me?
These thoughts are severely compounded by my feminine biology. Along with the common physical symptoms associated with my monthly cycle, my emotional state becomes highly imbalanced. I range from depressed and anxious to extremely angry.
In fact, as a former cutter, I am most dangerous to myself around my cycle. Although I have never been formally diagnosed, I suspect I am on the spectrum for PMDD.
Currently, my anxiety feels unmanageable. My relationship with V continues to be undefined. We are separated but having relations. We have agreed that we are in a monogamous relationship, but saying boyfriend/girlfriend feels too constricting for him.
I, on the other hand, feel insecure about our relationship not being categorized. Our immediate families now know that we are separated but mutual friends believe we are still together. We act like we are together in public but our picture perfect relationship is just that, an image.
V seems to be much more involved in AA than he ever has been before. This gives me hope that his sobriety will last this time. However, along with his commitment to AA, comes a distance from me.
Now, please don’t misunderstand. I LOVE that he is more involved with AA. In fact, I try to encourage it whenever I can. What bothers me is that we barely speak during the week. When he is distant, he seems more secretive. In the past, this has been an indicator that he was drinking again.
His distance may also be his way of establishing his independence. There are just so many unknowns. When he doesn’t reply to my messages, my anxiety flares as if my house were on fire.
I suppose the truth is that if he is talking to me, it tells me that he is okay and reassures that he is not drinking. I may be fooling myself with this, but anxiety isn’t exactly a rational feeling. The bottom line is that when I keep myself busy, I don’t have time to worry about what he is doing.
I don’t know what today will bring. We are supposed to meet up this evening and spend the next couple of days together. I pray that he has maintained his sobriety and no negative revelations come to light. Here is to hope.
Happy holidays everyone.
A Speck in the Universe 